Christmas With The Cullens
by ChristmasBelle
Summary: Bella and Seth Clearwater. . . together? Edward actually enjoying Christmas cookies? Jacob dressed as Santa? Will the chaos of this year's Christmas have Forks in a tailspin? Will Billy Black save the day? And will the eggnog be spiked? Find out.
1. Chapter 1

"There you are Bella! I was starting to get worried!" Jacob Black, my supposed best friend, strolled up to me, all honky-dorry. It was December 20, and I had just finished buying Edward another ridiculous cashmere sweater. He had left me a list, full of curly calligraphy, and in the bottom, righthand corner was, in very, very small print, a request for a sweater. Well, my interpretation was, "Get me a two hundred dollar sweater so I can just rip if off anyway later and make out with you." Edward acts like I don't have high-powered vision like him. What a joke. "Jake, you know exactly where I've been. Shopping for Edwards' sexy clothes." I waited for his happy grin to dissipate, but instead, he just shook his head.  
"Naughty, naughty. You know Bells, that's just what we all need this holiday season. A little sexy in a cold, dull world." He looked up at the sky just as tiny snowflakes started to fall. "You're disgusting. I hope this isn't the kind of weird behavior you're subjecting Renesmee to." Suddenly, a snowstorm whirled around them, as if created by the Keebler eleves. The last thing Bella heard Jake say was, "I want my fudge-striped cookies, I want them nowwwwwww!" And just like that, the wall of white was gone, and Bella was warm and toasty, in the arms of. . . Seth Clearwater?


	2. Chapter 2

I wasn't sure how I had ended up smashed against Seth's gigantic chest, but it felt like my body was inside a woodstove. His snores were loud enough to start a landslide, echoing off the walls the way they did. I tried to squeeze out of his grasp, but it was no use.

"Mmmmm, Mr. Wuffykins. Hee hee hee, " Seth mumbled. Mr. Wuffykins? Who in the name of Peter Gabriel is that? Some feminine wolf-cousin? I didn't want to stick around when Seth woke up and discovered that Mr. Wuffykins was missing.

We were situated on a comfy, velvet couch, and all along the walls were pictures of the Cullens and the wolf pack. There was Renesmee, hugging Jake. They were both laughing, and Jake had his arm around her. I gulped. What did Jake mean by "a little sexy"? Was he going to deflower my precious Nessie? I knew Jake was her guardian, but if he took it too far…

Well, Edward would see to his deflowering if anything got out of control. I could rely on him, couldn't I?

Just when I had started to wonder about those fudge-striped cookies, Seth grunted and blinked. I kept perfectly still, and then he rolled his head until it was right next to mine.

Confusion filled Seth's face, but then he smiled in a creepy sort of way. I was perturbed by the way his smile curled around his face like a bad mustache.

"Well, hello there, my little peach fuzz. Care to have some of my fudge-striped cookies?" He gestured towards a plate of cookies, smothered in chocolaty goodness.

"Seth, has your mind been warped by pod people? I'm Edwards' wife, for crying out loud! What about…" I hesitated. "What about Mr. Wuffykins?"

Seth's leer melted off his face almost instantly and changed into raw anger. "Don't you dare bring him into this!" He yelled, his face glowing red.

"I don't even know who he is! All I know is, you'd better let me go, or I'll tell the pack you're sleeping with him!" I couldn't believe the words had spilled from my mouth. But if Seth phased, I could take him. After all, my force field has its perks.

"Who told you about him?" Seth whispered dangerously, ignoring my threat.

"No one. You were talking in your sleep, and you mentioned his name."

"LIAR! I don't talk in my sleep!" Seth glared at me.

"Who else would know but you? Did you tell someone? Or was it… Mr. Wuffykins?"

Seth gasped. "He's right behind you!"


	3. Chapter 3

I was utterly perplexed by Seth's gaping mouth. Honestly, did he really think I would fall for his shenanigans? He was obviously a sick puppy, and perhaps even a demented walrus had joined the party inside his brain.

"Are you for real Seth? There is no such person as Mr. Wuffykins! And I bet you Alice's belly button ring that if I were to turn around, you would snipe me on the spot!" I gave him the only menacing glare I could muster and demanded that he set me free.

Seth rolled his eyes. "Whatever Bella. He's right there, waiting for you, and I suggest you turn around. After all, it is your vampire we're talking about."

I felt my jaw drop. "You… with… Edward?"

"Heavens to Betsy no! I was just having a little Christmas fun. A little joke the guys and me came up with. You know how we get bored around the rez."

I heard a smooth, clear voice address me. "Bella? Why won't you face me, my queen?"

My queen? Oh, so now he wants foreplay. I stayed where I was and snuggled up to Seth defiantly. I could feel his chest constrict with surprise.

"Come now, my love. Let us fly into the fray of everlasting night. Together, we will conquer the world." Edward didn't seem a bit worried about my fondling with Seth. In fact, it seemed to… excite him. Ew.

I decided I wanted to get out of this hellhole, even if it meant exaggerated skits with Edward as Tinky Winky and me as Po. As long as my darling was returned to me, I would somehow remain sane in this cruel, cruel world.

I turned to face Edward, the love of my life, and instead was greeted by a demented walrus. Go figure.

Seth leaped up from the couch and knocked me over into the glass coffee table, where I hit my head and began to feel quite woozy. But before I drifted into la-la land, I heard Seth's battle cry, "SNIPE!"


End file.
